poop

My Son’s Preschool Teacher Gave Me A Bag Of Crap

I’m a little over five years into my time as a mother, and yesterday I experienced another first—I unknowingly carried around a turd in a plastic bag. That’s right, a ball of shit in a plastic sack—I carried it around like a kitten in a basket.

You may be asking yourself how something so absurd could have happened. Well, allow me to enlighten you. Let’s start with the facts, my youngest child is potty-training. I don’t have a strong handle on how to teach a child to use the toilet, so my method is mostly just swearing and cleaning up messes.

My son insists on wearing underwear, all the time, which is fine, I’m cool dumping a loose turd in the toilet when things go down. Until yesterday, I thought that was protocol—when a kid poops in his clothes, you remove the poop from the clothes. You liberate the turd. You don’t leave the turd to marinate in the cotton underwear like some sort of turd-collecting barbarian. You. Dump. The. Turd.

However, I’ve discovered, what I once thought was an unspoken rule, is not standard practice, but more of a personal preference among turd handlers. You see, friends, my little man-cub took a bear-sized dump in his pants yesterday while he was at preschool. His teacher sent me a sweet text to alert me to the accident, and assured me he was all cleaned-up and doing well.

What she didn’t tell me, was that she put everything in a plastic bag. There was no courtesy turd-dump, it all went in the bag. That’s right—bear turd, wrapped in Paw Patrol toddler-britches, into the bag—knotted shut.

When I arrived to pick him up, the telltale plastic shopping bag hung on the hook below his cubby. I grabbed it, assuming it was his soiled underwear, and didn’t think much more about it. Accidents happened and my washing machine has a toddler setting, so it’s cool.

I collected my son who insisted on carrying the bag. I declined, because putting a toddler in-charge of a bag containing poopy underwear just seemed like a bad plan. But, after five minutes of screaming and his overwhelming insistence that he be allowed to hold “his bag”, I caved. He cradled it in his lap the whole drive home.

When we arrived home, I unloaded the car and decided to handle the shituation before starting dinner. I untied the sack and began to extract what I thought was merely soiled underwear, ready to toss them into the waiting washer. But, sweet mother of all things holy, there it was—an enormous turd that had fused itself to the cotton Paw Patrol underwear.

My eyes were burning as I rushed outside to the dumpster, and discarded the entire thing. There was no way I was going to chisel an old turd out of a $2.00 pair of pants—hell to the no.

So, because this is obviously a thing that needs to be said—dump the turd. Or at the very least, let a lady know before you give her a bag of crap. “Hey, by the way, there’s a turd in there.” It’s just common courtesy. I couldn’t have been anymore caught-off-guard if I found that thing flaming on my front porch.

Dump it. Always.

The end.

 

UPDATE: It was bought to my attention, shortly after this piece was published, that returning turds is common practice due to state licensing and regulation. The thought is that clean-up or “dumping” may spread bacteria unnecessarily, which as odd as it seems, makes sense. I support following the rules, even with the “return to sender” policy. Therefore, my son’s preschool teacher now has my full support in discarding any underwear involved in future shitastrophies.

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22 thoughts on “My Son’s Preschool Teacher Gave Me A Bag Of Crap

  1. I’m sorry but coming from your pre school teachers point of view, I’m sure she had a lot of better things to do (such as tend to the other 15 plus kids in the class) than dump your kids turd. I hope you thanked her and sent a box of chocolates to school with him the next day.

    1. Oh my gosh, thank you for pointing this out, Jess. I had never considered that she had “better things to do”. All this time I thought preschool teachers sat around watching Netflix and drinking coffee. I guess I just assumed all the beautiful art projects and sweet, silly songs my kids come home with had been self-taught. Thank you for setting me straight.

      I love my kids’ teachers, they are invaluable, and bust their asses taking care of my babies. I can tell by your comment, you must not work with parents that feel that way. For that I’m sorry. All teachers should feel valued, but should also be able to laugh at things that are funny–especially glaringly-obvious humor written by a preschool mama.

  2. As a daycare provider…. I treat soiled underwear the same way I treat a diaper. Fold it up, and put it away – only away means in a bag for parents and not the trash (unless a parent directs us to thrown soiled underwear away – which sounds like it might be a good idea for you). Taking underwear to the toilet, scraping the BM out (which licensing frowns upon), etc. Involves leaving the classroom again, and an extra trip to the restroom – and leaving kids unattended for a few minutes – it may not seem like much – but it is when you have little people who need you. An accident in and of itself is difficult enough to clean up, but adding an extra few minutes to walk to the restroom, scrape out a BM, and then come back and bag the clothes. I’ve had quite a few parents surprised at this – but it’s just not practical for me to dispose of it that way. Trust me, it’s not exactly wonderful to bag up a BM either. 😉

    1. I seriously had NO IDEA about the rules, but it was certainly a shock to say the least. I told my teacher she has my full support and permission to trash future accidents and move on with her day! They didn’t mention the turd return policy at enrollment. 🙂

  3. I didn’t know that this was standard practice either, though I can understand why now that people have explained it. My kids are past preschool, and I don’t remember ever taking a turd home, but I may have repressed the memory. I think a heads-up that you might just want to toss out the bag would have been nice, but see, now you have a good story to tell the first time he brings a date home.

  4. This is hysterical. I live this journey of parenthood through humor and laughter for sure and no one should be getting offended. I have also been where you are so I totally relate. My husband usually “Dealt” with the shit but I still remember there was a week when he was out of town. I made sure that any poo accidents were fully permitted to be trashed. Dont waste time “saving that shit”. No thank you. Buying new underwear 100% worth it. There is rules and regulations and its understandable. I def think the “heads up” would suffice. And regardless…Have a laugh and move on people. She is not trying to stab your eyes out.

      1. Ditto. Lol We clearly should be friends. Anyone who writes about “Shit” in a way that makes me laugh is good stuff. This parenting business is tough. Humor makes it much better to handle. Just wait until your kids decide to ummm…play with their poo. Oh, yes. Been there. Smeared everywhere in the middle of the night. KILL.ME.NOW. You have been warned. Just remember. You are not alone.

  5. First time reader and have to say I loved your story and found it hysterical and so well written. I’m sorry the majority of responses are from people who are completely unaware that said policy of not discarding turd is not common knowledge! It’s not at all!! I’m a mom of two littles who have attended daycare etc and fortunately (for all parties involved) mine have only wet their pants (as of this writing) but if I was sent home a bag of clothes with a poop still in tow I would be mortified. Naturally, once it’s explained WHY it is included, I can understand but I think not informing parents beforehand is where the centers’ erred. Anyhoo, again, sorry you had an unsolicited barrage of naysayers condemn you for expressing shock over poo poo filled clothing. I thought it was funny and on point like crazy.

  6. First, I’m pretty impressed you’ve only gotten one nasty comment on here. Mommy-blogs tend to attract the trollish… Second: so gross, but so funny. I would never have thought that discarding it would be such an issue, but I suppose it makes sense when you think about it– sort of–no, it’s still gross.

    When my youngest was in kindergarten she came home from school wearing an entirely different outfit… I was like WTH? I found a note in her folder telling me that she’d accidentally fallen into the toilet and they had to strip her. (I don’t even know how that’s possible… but it’s my kid so really it’s wasn’t a terrible surprise either…) They left her Curious George shirt to dry off– and it vanished, so she came home in some other kid’s sweatsuit….

    I figure teaching elementary school is a bit like parenting, when crap happens (sometimes quite literally) you just gotta wing it and hope it works out for the best 🙂

    1. There’s only one on the blog, a few on Facebook, and then some in my private inbox. Hahaha! Oh well, I guess not everyone finds the humor in a shitty situation. 🙂

  7. I work in a church nursery and I wash the poop out. I would have never thought not too. If it’s up the back bad slimy gross runny I cut the undies off no harm no foul. I feel like lots of people were missing the jest component of this. Being a mama is hard! I love that you see the humor in it ?

  8. Unless it’s a totally solid one that can very easily be tipped over and dumped onto the changing paper, I too follow licensing and training to not clean out the underwear. I do, however, put the undies in their own bag so they a) don’t soil the other clothing more than they already are and b) can be thrown away easily if the parent chooses to.
    I’m so sorry she didn’t give you any warning or separate the bags

  9. OMG, this same thing happened to me and my, then 3 yr old. Took the bag home, dumped it into the washer…and noticed something heavy fell out of the bag! THankfully, the big turd was still inside the underwear so I didn’t have to fish it out of the washer and I didn’t unkowingly wash a small load of clothing in some shit detergent. Talk about spreading germs. Yeah, his teacher could have easily told me he didn’t dump the turd. I know they are extremely busy, but seriously, when a child poops his pants, don’t they change them in the bathroom anyway? How hard is it to simply hold the underwear over the toilet so the big turd falls in it? No amount of scraping necessary. It takes a few seconds and doesn’t cause any extra work on the teacher’s part.

  10. This was hilarious. As a cloth diapering mom, I, unfortunately expected and received daily returns for 2 years. I do recall, however, how sad I was when my oldest moved from the baby room where the sweet caregiver use to dump before sticking in my ‘specially provided cloth diaper pail’ to the room where the caregivers did not have time to worry about such things. I’m having flashbacks now. Whew, so happy everyone is finally potty trained.

  11. This totally just made my day. Not just this HILARIOUS story, but also your response to some of the ridiculous comments. Thanks for this Close To Classy. I needed this 🙂 I will be back for more of your content. LOVE IT!

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